Pirate Press
by Oni Giri Slash
Summary: Short drabble about interviewing the Straw Hats to save a job at Pirate Press Inc. Third Edition UP!
1. First edition

**Foreword: Nothing special I guess, just some drabble about a interviewer trying to keep their job...and obtain info about the StrawHat crew!**

Disclaimer: I don't own OnePiece and I'm not currently holding a secure position at Pirate Press - probation...OI!

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Hello valued readers and welcome to the Pirate Press, where I, Oni Giri Slash will interview the members of the Straw-Hat crew. If I don't make this work I'm going to get fired and live a beggars life – and you don't want that. **(Laughs hysterically)** anyway, here I go – wish me luck…_GOOD_ luck of course. **(Crosses soul, spins around and spits on the ground before boarding the Going Merry)**

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**Oni Giri Slash:** So, Luffy, what inspired you to become the King of the Pirates? 

**Luffy:** This hat!

**OGS (looks at hat):** What about it?

**Luffy:** It was given to me by Shanks, the greatest pirates to ever live!

**OGS:** Really! _The_ Red Hair Shanks? Wow! That _is_ inspirational!

**Luffy (excited):** Yeah. Soon I'll be giving it…

**OGS:** So, Zolo, what made you join Luffy's crew?

**Zolo:** Get lost…I don't want to answer your stupid questions **(gets up and walks off)**

**OGS (calls after):** Came back you great big loaf! MY JOB'S ON THE LINE HERE…Nami! **(runs over to the navigator) **Hello, can you tell me what living on this ship is like?

**Nami (reading book): **Ever heard of hell?

**OGS: **Yes

**Nami: **It's like that – but _worse_

**OGS (very persistent): **Well…do you like Luffy?

**Nami (bluntly): **No

**OGS:** Zolo

**Nami:** No

**OGS (annoyed):** Do you like _any_ of your crewmembers?

**Nami:** Not really

**OGS (frowning):** You're very hard to talk to…are you under stress? 

**Nami (looks up and glares at OGS):** Do you _want_ me to _hurt_ you?

**OGS (backs away):** N-no! I can see you're busy…I'll just go…SANJI! **(dashes to the chef)** Who do you like on this ship?

**Sanji (love heart eye):** NAMIIII! **(pushes past interviewer)**

**OGS (growls):** Can't I get a word on my little note pad _worth printing in a newspaper_?

**Usopp:** I'll say something

**OGS (happy now):** REALLY!? **(sprints over to marksman)** Gee, thanks…umm?

**Usopp:** It's **(shouts) **THE BRAVE AND MIGHTY WARRIOR, CAPTAIN USOPP, MAN OF A THOUSAND SEAS, HERO OF ALL DAMSELS IN DISTRESS AND WHO COMMANDS A FLEET OF A MILLION SHIPS! I FEAR NOTHING AND BANISH ALL EVIL!

**OGS (blink, blink – stunned):** Wow…uh…that's quite a title you've got there…er?

**Usopp (shouting):** YOU CAN CALL ME…THE BRAVE AND MIGHTY…

**OGS (sighs dully):** I really don't have the time for this **(walks off, then sees Chopper)** Hey there, do want to answer some questions?

**Chopper (uncertain):** Umm, sure – I guess

**OGS (cheers):** THANK THE GOOD LORD! Okay – how old are you?

**Chopper:** Fifteen

**OGS (writes it down):** Yep and how did you join this crew?

**Chopper:** It's kind of a long story…

**OGS (looks wildly around):** I'm not going anywhere!

**Luffy (calls Chopper):** OI CHOPPER! WANNA A GAME OF PIN THE TAIL ON THE REINDEER? **(leaps off the figure head and chases after Chopper)**

**OGS (distraught):** DON'T KILL HIM UNTIL I GET SOME INFORMATION OUT OF…why do I bother? **(sulks off) **My boss is going to kill me**…(gets knocked out by incoming rubber fist)**

**Life can be really...painful - but they're the risks we take to give you a satisfying read.**

** - _Pirate Press _**_-_**_  
_**

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**AN: Yeah, yeah, yeah - I'm tired, it's short and...I'm tired. **

**All reviews will be gladly accepted at the reception desk at Pirate Press Inc. Please becareful of the cannons, swords, booby traps and two mile wide mine-feild which acts as our security. These are merely precautions, we are not hiding anything. We hope you have a nice day and that you have enjoyed the visit to Pirate Press Inc. Please come again. Goodbye. Bye. Bye...are they gone? Are they all gone? Good...RELEASE THE HOUNDS! XD**


	2. Second edition

**Publisher's note: **

**Hi to the readers of Pirate Press Inc. We are proud to present you with first hand news on the Going Merry! Our job is to bring you what you want AND at no extra cost. So enjoy the second edition of Pirate Press Inc.**

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Oni Giri: -crying- Don't make me do it boss! Don't make me go back on to the HELL HOLE OF A SHIP! 

Big boss: -smoking thick, thick cigar- You must Giri, go back to the Straw-Hat and interview them PORPERLY - spit flies across table - or you'll loose your job. Take her out.

Security men in black suits: - grab Giri and drag her out –

Oni Giri: - screaming – NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Scene: - Going Merry at the docks –

Oni Giri: - slaps hands together - To the good lord, my you watch over me…

Luffy: OI! YOU THERE!

Giri: - stiffens - - points to self -

Luffy: YEAH YOU!

Giri: Y-yes?

Luffy: You're that person from…uh…Pirate something, eh? I still haven't told you how I became a pirate – jumps down from the ship –

Giri: - becomes stiffer (if possible) – GET AWAY FROM ME!!

Luffy: Na? But I thought you liked being nosey.

Giri: - crossing soul – BACK OFF!

Zoro: - appears – Oi Luffy, what are you doing down there?

Luffy: The weird person from…OH MY GOD! SHE FAINTED!

Giri: - hits ground…HARD –

Luffy: - frantically runs around – WE NEED A DOCTOR! WE NEED A DOCTOR! WE NEED A DOCTOR!

Chopper: - runs out – Where's the patient?

Luffy: - points to dead looking interviewer –

Chopper: BLOODY HELL! WHERE'S THE FREAKING DOCTOR?

Nami: What's with all the commotion – looks at lifeless figure on the ground – CHOPPER DO SOMETHING!

Chopper: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH. MY. GAAAAAAAWD!

Robin: - appears - It seems Doctor-san has lost it.

Luffy: - shakes Giri's lifeless body – WAKE UP!

Sanji: -kicks Luffy in head- DON'T BLOODY DO THAT!

Luffy: -flies away-

Zoro: -throws Chopper off the ship- GET DOWN THERE AND DO SOMETHING!

Chopper: -takes pulse- I think she's gone.

Sanji: -dabs eye with hanky-

Nami: -glares at Luffy-

Luffy: -looks disappointed- And I was going to tell her about my life as a pirate!

Zoro: -picks up shovel- Nothing we can do I guess…

Usopp: -glares-

Chopper: -holding bible- WHAT?

* * *

Big boss: -smoking thick, thick cigar- Get that Giri's ass and tell her to do the job or she'll be dead.

Security man in black suit Number One (who has brains): But she's already dead?

Big boss: Then kill her again.

Security men in black suit Number Two (who has NO brains): Ummm…MUMMY!

Big boss: -throws Security man in black suit Number Two a gun- Do your thing.

Security man in black suit Number Two: -gives evil look- Mummy!

* * *

Zoro: -pats ground with shovel- There, all done!

Chopper: -wipes eyes-

Luffy: I didn't know you were so good at gardening, Zoro!

Sanji: -rolls eyes- Duh, the green hair was symbolizing something.

Nami: How do you feel Giri?

Giri: -shaking- Like there's a hundred guns pointed at me.

Hundred guns: -click-

Nami: What makes you think that?

Giri: I can feel the heat of a hundred red laser dots on my back.

Hundred guns with laser lights: -beam-

Chopper: -blows nose- -closes the bible- What a sad book!

Usopp: -rolls eyes- What's for dinner?

Sanji: -brings out dinner- Nothing

Everyone: WHAT!?

Sanji: Luffy ate the supplies

Everyone but Luffy: -glares at captain-

Luffy: I did NOT eat it this time!

Giri: -shakily stands up- I…better go!

Security man in black suit Number One: -into mouth piece- The victim is in site.

Security man in black suit Number Two: -into ear piece- Roger that.

Security man in black suit Number One: -slaps No.2- You don't speak into that. AND THE GUN DOESN'T POINT AT YOURSELF!!!!

Security man in black suit Number Two: -giggles- Ooops! -Shoots gun-

Giri: -looks at needle poking out of arm- -spies red stuff- Bl-b-bl-b-bl-bl-b…BLOOD!

Luffy: DID NOT DID NOT DID NOT…SHE FAINTED!

Everyone: AGAIN?

No.1: Good shot No.2

No.2: -blushing- hee hee hee

No.1: -stands up- Wipe your face No.2.

No.2: -wipes dribble from face-

No.1: Let's go and tell Big Boss the good news.

Luffy: I DIDN'T eat the supplies! -looks at Nami- you believe me, don't you Nami?

Nami: I believe you……I BELIEVE YOU ATE THE ENITIRE SHIP!

Going Merry: -GONE!-

Everyone: WHERE'S THE SHIP!?

Luffy: -blinks-

Giri: -wakes up- I had the most terrible dream… -sees Luffy- BACK OFF DEMON! -faints-

Robin: Someone's stolen our ship.

Everyone: NO!

Robin: Yes, and we must go and find it.

Everyone: YES!

Robin: THEN RULE THE WORLD!

Everyone: YEAH! -cackle away evilly-

Luffy: Hang on, I thought I was going to find One Piece?

Everyone: -moans-

Giri: -wakes up- I know where One Piece is!

Nami: YOU DO!

Giri: Sure…DEMON! -faints-

Zoro: This is stupid, I'm going.

Usopp: But we have to find the ship!

Zoro: Call me when you've found it -walks off-

Giri: -sits up- It's that way! -points North-

Luffy: YOSH! Head that way!

Nami: -looks out at ocean- In what?

* * *

**Later that afternoon... **

Crew: -crowded into small row boat-

Luffy: So…Hot!

Sanji and Usopp: SHUDDUP!

Robin: -drinking ice cold cola-

Everyone: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

Robin: Kitchen

Giri: But we don't have a kitchen…Oh god! -points at big ship-

Big Ship: GET OUT OF MY WAY, SHITTY SMALL BOAT!

Small Rowboat: LIKE CRAP, YOU FAT ASS

Big Ship: RIGHT, NOW I AM MAD!

Small Rowboat: AND YOU JUST MADE ME ANGRY!

Big Ship: -ploughs into small rowboat-

Small Rowboat: ARGH! I'M DYING -sinks-

Crew: -don't care- -swimming for their life-

Luffy: -drowns-

Sanji: -breaks a leg-

Robin: -spills ice cold cola- Crap, my nice dress

Nami: -swims for land-

Chopper: NEIGH

Usopp: Shit, lost the emergency food supply!

Giri: -screaming- HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! -faints-

Robin: -furiously rubbing stain from dress-

Crew: -furiously rubbing bruises and broken legs-

Sanji: Thought I lost a limb for a moment there.

Luffy: I FOUND GOING MERRY!

Everyone: Where?

Luffy: -points at ship- THERE!

Usopp: Why didn't we see it before?

Sanji: -limping upright- It doesn't make sense. How did it get here?

Giri: -wakes up- I'M ALIVE! HA HA HA -laughs madly-

* * *

Big Boss: -now has lung cancer- I shouldn't have smoked all those thick, thick cigars for the last sixty years of my short lived life. -looks a security henchmen- Did you finish off Giri?

No. 1: No, she somehow managed to overcome the poison in the dart.

Big Boss: Where's number two?

No. 1: Dead. However, we have a new recruit!

Muscle man: -walks into room- Lock and load, baby. This bad boy will get your girl.

Big Boss: -pleased- Why didn't we hire him before?

Muscle man: -flexes impressive ten pack- I don't come cheap.

Big Boss: -wishes he had worked out in gym instead of smoking cigars-

No. 1: -jealous- Let's go Marian.

Muscle man called Marian: Roger that baby.

* * *

Nami: -looking at beached Going Merry- How are we going to put it into the water?

Giri: Push it?

Everyone: -looks at her-

Robin: -still working away at stain- Maybe we could wait for the tide.

Chopper: I could turn big, pick it up and throw it into the water.

Everyone: -nods- Good idea, Chopper.

Chopper: -turns big-

Giri: Oh my!

Chopper: -picks up the ship and throws it into the ocean-

Going Merry: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! -SMASH-

Everyone: -watches ship sink-

Giri: NOW WE'RE GOING TO BE DESSERTED ON THIS ISLAND FOREVER!

**To be continued...**

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**Publisher's Note:**

**Purchase the third edition of Pirate Press and find out what happens. Have a nice day. Please avoid running into the hungry bears located in the car park while submitting your reviews at Pirate Press Inc. offices. We doubt they will attack unless provoked.**

** _-Pirates Press Inc.-_  
**


	3. Third Edition

**Publisher's Note**

**Welcome to the third, long awaited edition of Pirate Press. Where we continue our dramatic story where we finished off in the Second Edition. We know you will find this story far more entertaining than the last. And remember we are here to fulfill your every desire to know the truth about the pirates we have managed to track down using our underdog employee, Oni Giri! She has volunteered to follow these pirates and report back the dramatic tales. **

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What happened last time from Pirate Press, Second Edition: 

_The Going Merry has been destroyed by a ferocious beast and doomed to spend eternity at the bottom of the ocean. The pirates have been left, stranded on some island with no hope of returning to sea without a vessel!_ _How will they survive?_

Nami: How the hell are we going to get off this island now! 

Giri: -sobbing- I don't know! Oh, the irony of it all!

Usopp: -also sobbing- WAAAAAAAAAAA! That ship was a gift from Kaya!

Zoro: -suddenly appears- Did you find the ship?

Luffy: Yes but, Chopper smashed it.

Zoro: -Walking off- then don't bother calling me back.

Chopper: I'm so sorry everyone! It's all my fault and now I'm hungry too!

Everyone: -stomach rumbles-

Sanji: -limping upright (broken leg remember)- Ssh! What's that sound.

Sound: -rustling bushes-

Muscle Man (Marian): -Steps out holding a big bazooka-

Giri: -running- OH MY GOD! THEY'VE COME TO GET ME!! –dives into ocean-

No. 1: Why don't you go after her?

Marian: -giggling- She's one cute chick. –dives after her-

Giri: -screaming- Yeeeek! Help! Get away demon! –faints-

Marian: -with love sick voice- My loooove!

Robin: -appears holding coffee-

Naim: Where'd you get that coffee?

Robin: -simply- Mr. Coffee.

Usopp: I want coffee too!

Marian: -swimming for the shore- Me too!

Giri: -raising limp arm- Me…too.

Later...

Mr. Coffee: Would. You. Care. For. Some. More. Coffee. Nami?

Nami: Mmm. Yes, please.

Mr. Coffee: -love hearts flying- You're. Welcome.

Sanji: -growls-

Robin: Has anyone seen Captain-san?

Luffy: –GONE-

Meanwhile in a pub with bright fluro lights, extremely loud music and many drunken souls…

Zoro: -banging head against loud speaker- THIS IS THE LIFE HEY, LUFFY!

Luffy: -also banging head- YOU'RE SO RIGHT ZORO! I'M STARTING TO FEEL DIZZY! WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE ELSE?

Zoro: -passing another mug of beer- WHO CARES?! HERE, THE DIZZINESS GETS BETTER AFTER ANOTHER ONE!

Luffy: -attempting to drink and bang his head at the same time, beer goes everywhere- WHOA! I FEEL IT COMING ON!!!

Zoro and Luffy: ROCK OOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nami: -peering through smoggy window- That is so irresponsible of them!

Giri: -looking frightfully into the bar- It's so bright, so flashy! So many unknown faces! HISSS!

Usopp: -muttering- It looks like fun to me.

Chooper: -sighing- Yeah it does. Too bad we can't go and join them.

Usopp: Yeah, too bad.

Usopp and Chopper: -sneak into the pub-

Nami: -still looking through smoggy window- Wait…there are two other people that have joined them.

Robin: -peering in- There are too. And they look remarkably similar to Long Nose-kun and Doctor-san.

Nami: -looking for Usopp and Chopper-

Usopp and Chopper: -GONE-

Nami: We have to do something Robin, Giri….Sanji? Where's Sanji?

Sanji: -GONE-

Nami: -watches through window as Sanji swoons over the ladies- This is the last straw!! We're going in!

Giri: I can't go in there! Too many people make me…wheeze! –pulls out paper bag and hyperventilating-

Zoro: SO GLAD YOU JOINED US!

Chopper: -furiously banging head and drinking grog- YEAH, I AM TOO!

Luffy: I HOPE THIS NEVER ENDS!

Usopp: -scooping up his nakama in his arms- I SECOND THAT!

Sanji: -swooning- MELLORINE!

Music: -suddenly stops-

Everyone: -in mid-dance step-

Nami: -grabs microphone- THE POLICE ARE COMING!!!

Everyone: -screams and runs out-

Pub: -empty-

Luffy: -wobbling dangerously- Naaamiii, why'd -hic- you do that -hic- for? –collapses-

Zoro: Awe…Nami -hic- you look so -hic- HOT! –collapses too-

Sanji: -kicks unconscious Zoro- You bastard.

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**Pirate Press trust that you enjoyed your read. Also, due to the number of serious injuries** **and major concussions, not to mention the loss of limbs and some lives which is all due to the bears that act as security measures in the car park, we at Pirate Press offices have decided to remove the bears and replace them with trolls. Also, we would like to inform you of the werewolves who will be entertaining you at the 'Full Moon Company Get Together' this month's full moon. There will also be juggling vampires and singing ghouls for your pleasure. Thankyou.**

**_- Pirate Press Inc. - _  
**

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